


Scarred for Life

by eppyweppy



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Copious Amounts Of Swearing, Pure Crack, chris and jake are scarred for life, leon gets punched, leon's terrible driving, poor car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 18:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18057818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eppyweppy/pseuds/eppyweppy
Summary: In which Jake and Chris let Leon drive them somewhere and immediately regret it. Claire and Helena aren't helping. Crack fic. Contains an alarming number of curses.





	Scarred for Life

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much inspired by Resident Evil 6, AKA the game where Leon crashes/helps crash every land and air vehicle known to man. Slightly AU in that Jake is kind of hanging out with everyone now. Just a one shot. Also the narration is all over the place. I'm not sorry.
> 
> I hope to see some other crack fics involving Leon's driving. I also plan to write some other fics, mostly whump though.

“Are we really doing this?” Jake complained, as he and Chris stared at each other as they decided to macho out who was going to ride shotgun. Leon sat patiently in the driver’s seat, waiting for them to figure it out while Claire and Helena finally exited the building. They both take one glance at what is going on outside and stop.

“We’re going to drive ourselves. We have to stop somewhere to get… things.” At Leon’s raised eyebrow Claire clarifies with “woman’s things”. 

Leon shrugs. 

“Can you guys hurry up? Why don’t one of you ride up front on the way there and the other on the way back?” He finally said, interrupting both of their arguments. 

Chris and Jake stared at him for a brief second. 

“Yeah. Okay.”

Eventually Chris ended up in the front and Jake in the back, and they could finally leave.

“Buckle up,” Leon said, and Jake actually growled at him before the seat belt latched into place. Immediately he turned the wheel and stepped on the gas pedal until it was touching the floor, lurching the car forward from 0 to 50 within a few seconds.

“Holy shit!”

“Fuck!”

Came the exclamations from his two passengers, but Leon ignored them in favor of turning the wheel violently in order to make the corner of the driveway at the speed he was going, keeping the gas pedal in its current position the entire time.

“Slow the fuck down Leon!” Chris yelled, hanging onto the armrest with a horrified expression on his face.

“I am going slow!” He yelled back, glancing at the speedometer. 

“Who the hell taught you how to drive?” Jake yelled from the backseat. Leon glanced in the mirror long enough to see a terrified expression on the normally grumpy man’s face and he scowled. 

“I did!”

“We’re gonna die!” Chris shrieked as Leon blew through a stop sign going 75 and they nearly got destroyed by a truck. 

“Stop being a baby, no one is going to die!” Leon snapped at him, swerving around a lady crossing the street with her dog. A moment later a car backing out of its driveway caused Leon to drive up on the sidewalk, taking out two trash cans and a street pole that had the misfortune of being in his way.

“I swear to God I’m going to kill you if you kill us, Kennedy!” Jake hollered from the back seat as he was wrenched violently to the side by another turn that made the tires screech so loud it woke up the residents three blocks down.

“Slow down! Jesus!” Chris yelped as a mirror was badly clipped, breaking off when Leon turned onto another street. 

“We’re fine! Stop screaming. You guys stare down zombies but scream like girls because I’m driving?” He scoffed. He didn't let off the gas.

A moment later there was a slight problem. A car sitting on the side of the street, probably parked. A wide truck heading down the other lane. The middle between them didn’t seem to have much space. Leon thought about it and shrugged, squeezing his car into the tight gap between both vehicles. He could practically see the driver of the truck, eyes wide and mouth gaping open in disbelief, as the sound of paint being scraped off the sides of Leon's car screamed through the air.

Chris and Jake were both screaming wordlessly in terror. Leon lost his other mirror in the incident, but what was the big deal? He was driving forward, not backward. _And_ they had gotten through just fine. 

Suddenly he realized he was at the destination, and without warning he slammed as hard on the brakes as possible. Everyone in the car slammed forward, and both Leon and Chris were lucky enough to have their airbags deploy to avoid breaking their faces on the steering wheel and dashboard respectively. Jake, on the other hand, smashed his head into Chris’s headrest, but was too stunned to even react. 

Leon put the car in park, took off his seat belt, and rubbed at the spot on his chest that was sore from stopping.

“Stopping is the worst. It kind of hurts,” he complained. Chris and a bloodied Jake both turned to stare at him with varying levels of hostility. 

“Um. Oh.” Leon immediately vacated the car and began to run.

Chris and Jake sat there silently, both breathing hard, faces pale. 

“I’m going to kill him,” they both said in unison. 

“Me first,” they also said at the same time. They looked at each other silently before both coming up with a solution.

“Together,” they finally agreed.

“He’s a little ninja, one of us will need to hold him down so the other can kill him,” Chris reported. 

Jake nodded. “Let’s do it.”

Both men finally exited the car, just in time for Helena and Claire to pull up in their own car. Neither of them looked surprised by the sad state of Leon’s car, missing two mirrors and having scrapes down both sides. “Oh. That looks...” Claire started, looking at Jake’s bloodied face. “Normal,” Helena finished for her.

Both men glared at them.

“You knew!? You let us ride with that… _maniac_! Where is he? Stop hiding, Leon!” Chris yelled loudly, attracting the attention of several pedestrians who were shying away from the ensuing madness. 

“You didn’t know?” Claire asked with a raised eyebrow. “Didn’t you read the mission report from China?”

Chris blinked. “Uh… I was busy.”

“He crashed every vehicle known to man,” Helena said. “Cars, jeeps, a train, a helicopter, a freaking _plane_.” 

Chris and Jake both stared at her.

Leon poked his head up from behind the fence he was taking refuge behind. “Hey! The train wasn’t my fault! I wasn’t even driving!” 

“YOU!” Jake yelled. Leon paled and began to book it. Jake tore after him, which wasn’t fair because he had superhuman enhancements on his side. Instead of trying to chase him down, however, Jake threw a trashcan lid at the back of Leon’s legs, sending the man falling forward. 

Leon rolled onto his back just in time to cover his face with both arms defensively as Jake all but tackled him, pinning him down. 

“Helena, Claire, help!” Leon yelped, cowering on the ground. Both women just glanced at him before turning their attention away. The traitors.

“He’s the world’s worst driver,” Helena reported. “I’m not even sure how we managed to get out of China alive.”

“He crashes everything he drives. Except jet skiis,” Claire added.

“A _plane?!_ ” Was all Chris was able to say.

“So you didn't read the report?” Claire asked, giving him a knowing look.

Chris only stuttered, not willing to admit that he had been far too busy watching football to read anything. 

“When we were trying to get to the cathedral in Tall Oaks he got into a car and rolled it in in less than 30 seconds,” Helena reported grimly. 

“There was a zombie attacking me! What was I supposed to do? OW!” Leon’s complaint got cut off when he received a rather vicious jab to his ribs from Jake who was holding him down as easily as a cat held a mouse. 

“Anyway,” Helena continued, ignoring her partner’s whining, “we eventually got on a bus with some survivors only for it to get pushed off a cliff by a truck.”

“You can’t blame that on me, I wasn’t even driving...” Leon winced as he was jabbed again, in the exact same spot. While it wasn’t a particularly damaging hit, it was painful, and he moved one of his face-protecting arms down to try and guard his rib area. “Well I wasn’t,” he added more quietly, to which Jake gave him a death-stare.

“You don’t have to drive it. You just have to be touching it,” Claire told him, unsympathetic to his plight. 

“A _plane_?” Chris repeated, still stunned.

“Oh yeah. Before we met you in China we were on a plane. Unfortunately the pilot got infected and turned into one of those disgusting farting boob monsters and infected everyone while we opened the hatch to get rid of it. Leon tried to fly it and crashed it into the middle of the street and took out like 20 buildings,” Helena sounded so matter of fact that Chris was sure this wasn’t going to be the worst of it.

Leon decided not to speak. Even though he wanted to speak. It wasn’t his fault. The plane was going down, and they were lucky it went down where it was.

“Then there was the train… I mean I guess Simmons helped with destroying it but it probably would have lived otherwise,” she added with a shrug. 

“I can’t remember if it was the jeep or the helicopter next but he crashed both of those too.”

"I wasn't driving the jeep..." Leon muttered. Jake grabbed him by the collar of his shirt before bonking his head against the ground. 

Chris was silent for a long moment. Jake wasn’t.

“So he crashed every vehicle known to man, and you decided it was okay to let him drive us?!” Jake shouted. Leon grumbled quietly. Not every vehicle. He flinched at a sudden flash of pain in his face, aware only moments later that Jake had just punched him. Blood suddenly gushed out of his nose.

“Ow!” 

His eyes were watering and he found himself blinking rapidly. 

“Jake, not in the face!” Claire admonished. "I like his face."

Jake shrugged. “He deserved it.”

“Wait… if everything he drives or touches crashes, how did you get out of China alive? Didn’t you guys take a helicopter back?” Chris asked, not sure whether he should be horrified or amazed. Perhaps both was the correct option.

“I piloted it,” Helena responded with a shrug.

“Oooooh.”

A few hours later, it was time to head home. Chris almost felt bad for Leon, who had a very bruised face and was timidly trying to convince Helena and Claire to drive him home. But then he looked at Leon’s beaten up car and remembered exactly what had happened earlier and he didn’t feel bad anymore. 

“Stop being a baby,” he scoffed, glaring at Leon as he grabbed the smaller man by the shoulder.

“Yeah it’s not like it’ll be any worse than you driving,” Helena said unsympathetically before getting into the car with Claire who immediately left. Leon stared after them, betrayed.

Chris hauled Leon to the car easily enough, pushing him into the back seat. “Stay,” he growled. Surprisingly, the agent did exactly that, and didn’t move at all. Probably because he knew there was no place for him to run. And Jake was giving him a dangerous look. 

“I’m driving,” Chris and Jake both said at the same time. They glared at each other. 

“You got to sit up front,” Jake growled. Somehow his face had already mostly healed from smacking it into the headrest earlier. It wasn’t fair. Chris wanted that. Leon probably wanted it also, considering his face looked like he’d been smacked with a baseball bat.

“Oh come on, it’s only like.. 15 minutes away,” Chris grumbled.

“More like 5...” Leon replied.

“Shut up Leon!” Both Chris and Jake shouted, making the man flinch.

“I want to drive!” Jake says and already begins to push Chris out of the way of the steering wheel. Chris pushes back. Both men look at each other dangerously, ready to fight. 

“Can someone just drive? I can...”

“SHUT UP, LEON!” They both scream again. 

Jake grabs a roll of tape from his pocket threateningly. Leon decides to ignore them and rest his aching head against the cool window. 

Eventually Jake muscles his way into the driver’s seat and Chris sighs and sits in the passenger’s seat, and they drive home at a very nice, comfortable pace. 

Alive.

Unfortunately the rear bumper falls off after hitting the pothole in the driveway. 

“Fuck your car, Leon.”


End file.
